Good evening. Here I am, dramatically positioned behind the velvet rope, just awaiting my turn on the red carpet and a few words with Joan. Tonight I have been nominated in the Hair and Makeup Cat-egory and as such have chosen to appear tonight "au naturel" and only to display my truly majestic mane. I'd like to thank Victorino of Rodeo Drive who is my personal stylist and worked wonders with the brushed gold and burnt orange highlights and lowlights. 
Good evening, Joan... yes, I am gowned tonight by Maggy-Mino of Milan, with jeweled touches from her amazing staff of artisans. My short gown just brushes the bosom and falls to above the knee in an extraordinary floof of red velvet and tulle, studded with diamonds. The jeweled bow at the waistline is 14-karat gold with one-hundred karat diamond studs... and it was duplicated as my hair ornament. Win an oscar? Well Joan, as you know there are many excellent performances this year, and with all respect and honor to my feline friends, I simply say, may the best cat win!
